Suffering before joy. Life before death, except for ego death, which can happen while still living this physical life.
When I first moved to Fort Smith in July 2023, it started out a little chaotic with people that came into my life that I would rather have not had. I learned a valuable and difficult lesson from them, anyway. While still living at that same apartment toward the beginning of 2024, I did the Facebook dating. I met three women, whom I dated with two of them more than once. The two I stayed with for a while were nice women, but it did not last long because of so many uneasy feelings and differences.
Then I moved to a new apartment in July 2024, where I met some nice women friends, I dated once or twice. I asked two other women out but rejected, or not ready to commit myself, and for other reasons or commitments. As it is almost mid-year, I have been romantically absent for a little over a year now, and I do not know why but will take the blame if it is only because of me; I know it is not.. What am I doing wrong now that I was not back earlier when moving to this town?
Suffering Is Necessary Sometimes Before Receiving Joy
I am not desperate in finding a woman, but I feel at a loss and just lost my edge. I prayed and shed some tears foolishly about it but soon to let it all go. If I am not supposed to be with anyone right now, so be it. I do not believe it is about me anyway, so I am doing my best to minimize and hopefully dissolve this childish ego of mine. I attained some recent spiritual blessings and have become completely happy with who I am with finding my true self. Being in the battlefield, the instant suffering from a mortal wound is brief compared to the extreme joy afterwards.
I must be able to love someone without attachment, either by me or her. It is a love much deeper than I have had before in this life romantically. The love is unconditional and has always been, but I was trying to author the story of myself as the hero. Therefore, all my life I have been playing this game or acting the part. This matrix or simulation still has me in its grip for now. I hope to find liberation soon. I take eleven pills a day prescribed by mostly veteran administration doctors and advanced nurse practitioners. They keep my health coordinated of being normal as possible. Life before death is irrelevant to eternal life.
Happiness Comes After Sadness in Ways We Do Not Understand
With two recent surgeries, one early 2025 and the other one a few weeks ago, I have learned from self-healing. I also experienced years of psychological suffering. God or my higher self, in respect to psychology, spiritually awakened me into some pure moments of God’s presence and bliss. It is true then that all suffering leads to joy, at some point. A Catholic perspective of the Passion of Christ.
Some wonderful things are about to happen for me, and I am not saying they involve romance, but a better life is coming. I sense my best days ahead of me. So, if someone is supposed to be part of my life with whom I may share this enlightening spirit inside of me, then it will happen. If not, that is perfectly fine too. Remember, home is where the heart is.
I have a good feeling and still know as a human; I will continue to make mistakes or wrong choices sometimes. It would be nice to find someone who accepts everything about me. She understands where I am going in this life and beyond.